"Burn Victim" - Season 3

Earl's been spending a lot of time helping the Warden out in exchange for time off his sentence and now he only has about six months left. The Warden confesses that he screwed himself at one of his wife's press conferences, when a tricky reporter tricked him into claiming that he had set up a reconciliation program. If Earl can figure this one out, the Warden will give him a certificate good for six months off his sentence.
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Earl searches for just the right inmate to initiate the program and settles on baby-faced first offender John the Artist, who is in prison for burning down his parents' home when his meth lab caught fire. Earl asks John to sit down with his parents, which will hopefully lead to an apology and a big hug. John doesn't think his parents will go for it, but if they do, he's in.
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Earl sends Joy and Darnell to meet with John's parents, but they don't have much love for their son since he burned up all their possessions. Darnell tells them about last year when Mr. Turtle knocked over a candle and caused a fire in the trailer. They couldn't be in the same room for months, but eventually they talked things over, and now their relationship is stronger than ever. John's parents relent and agree to meet with their son.
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The reconciliation gets underway, but John thinks his parents are supposed to apologize to him and they should also thank him because the fire was the only time there was any warmth in their house. John claims he's a monster because they ignored him his whole life. He leaves in a fury and the Warden gives Earl a week to fix things. Earl points out to John that saying you're sorry and meaning it are two different things but John's still pissed at his parents because they wouldn't let him go to his prom when he was too stoned to drive.
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John finds out that Earl will earn his freedom if he says he's sorry, so John wants something big, too - like a prom or an aircraft carrier. Since the state doesn't have a navy, the Warden uses some of his wife's stationary to get fifty female inmates shipped in for a prison prom. Earl enlists Joy's help, only to realize that a prom is expensive. Joy points out, in front of John, that he still has $24,000 in lottery winnings. Realizing that the prom is his ticket to freedom, Earl signs the check for an underwater wonderland prom with all the trimmings.
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The big prom night finally arrives and it's magical. The Warden crowns Earl Prom King, but he relinquishes his throne to John, because without him, the prom never would have happened. The Warden brings John's parents back for another try at reconciliation. He shows up in his crown, claiming that everyone loves the Prom King except for them because they're fat failures that don't know how to love.
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Earl runs after John, who claims that his parents treated him like crap - so now he treats everyone like crap and it's their fault, not his. Something inside of Earl snaps. All he wants to do is make John suffer, so he lights all the paintings in John's cell on fire. John shows up to fight, but Earl knocks him down, claiming that since John treated him like crap - taking away his freedom - now Earl treats everyone else like crap and it's all John's fault, not his.
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Earl's not proud of himself for burning John's paintings, but as John sifts through the ashes, he realizes that he should blame himself for what he did to his parents and has to make it right. He paints their wedding picture and several other family photos that burned in the house fire. It turns out that all the times John was stoned sitting on the couch, he had memorized all the family photos that were hanging on the wall. Finally, John and his family have the best reconciliation they could have hoped for, pleasing the Warden.
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The Warden congratulates Earl on his understanding of the criminal mind - he's like some kind of scumbag whisperer. He puts the last six month certificate in Earl's file, wondering what he's going to do without Earl to cover his ass. Earl guesses the Warden will find that out tomorrow and leaves, sending the Warden into a panic. He begins shredding Earl's certificates...

"Midnight Bun" - Season 3

Randy tells Earl that Frank couldn't have gotten far. He must be near the ice cream shop, which is next to the train station, the costume shop, and the bong shop that sells fake IDs. The battle for who's in charge continues for Joy, too, as she checks herself into the hospital and demands labor inducing drugs. Darnell reminds her that she gave Liberty her word that she would have a natural childbirth, but Joy points out that her word means nothing.
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While Joy and Darnell are at the hospital, Catalina watches the kids. She takes them to a stinky motel room, but doesn't know what to do with them because she's not good with kids. Being out of prison feels great to Earl, but Randy refuses to remove his handcuffs. He's lined up a K-9 tracker to find Frank, but Earl already learned from Paco that Frank's probably returning to the trailer to pick up the money he stashed there. Randy refuses to let Earl drive, and the K-9 dog runs away.
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Joy is ushered into a luxurious birthing suite, which also offers spa services that Joy mistakes for lunch. All expenses will be paid by Liberty and Ray-Ray. Earl and Randy stake out the trailer. Randy passes the time by pretending to have a cell phone. When Earl starts honking the horn, Randy remembers the time he was attacked by the goose and finally breaks down, handing Earl the key to the handcuffs.
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Liberty and Ray-Ray show up at the hospital to inform Joy that she'll have the baby without drugs in a birthing pool. They are shocked when a doctor shows up with a huge syringe to induce labor. A former pro-wrestler, Liberty dives for the syringe, which winds up sticking into Darnell's abdomen. Without her shot, Joy decides she's going home.
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The kids teach Catalina how to be a kid, but not how to be a good sport. When an ice cream truck pulls up to the trailer park Earl leaves the car to get some, so Randy fires on him with the bean bag gun. When he returns to the car with a creamsicle, Randy's crying. Earl's right - Randy sucks at everything and can't be in charge. Earl points out that Randy's good at being in charge of toys, but not animals, since the K-9 ran away.
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Earl spies Frank entering the trailer. Earl knows that Frank is looking for his money, but Frank insists he's looking for his gun, which he uses to take Earl and Randy hostage. When Joy and Darnell return home, they find Earl and Randy chained to the freezer door. Frank makes Joy help him move the stove to retrieve his money and her water breaks. Liberty and Ray-Ray arrive to say that they have called the cops to retrieve their stolen property - the baby.
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Frank wants to turn himself in, but Earl knows that they can't involve the cops or the Warden will get in trouble with his wife, the Governor. After Earl's pep talk, Frank points his gun at Joy's belly and sends Darnell and Ray-Ray to ditch the cops. Joy starts screaming, and Darnell asks for scissors and a chip clip to deliver a baby girl, moving everyone, including Frank. When Frank runs for it, Randy breaks off the freezer door, so that he and Earl can chase him.
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The K-9 returns in the nick of time to take down Frank. Randy learns that it's okay to not be in charge, he's good at some things. Earl claims he can only be in charge with Randy on his team. Later, Joy gives Liberty Frank's money for her new daughter, "for college or a boob job in case she's not smart." Darnell cooks up a victory dinner for everyone at the Crab Shack.

"Randy In Charge" - Season 3

The Warden decides he's going to start up a "Scared Straight" program again, but this time, he'll send prisoners to schools instead of the other way around. The last time, a short inmate tried to escape with the school kids. The Warden offers to give Earl another five weeks off his sentence to put the program together and choose three inmates to help him.
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Earl's ready to get started, but first he has to look after Randy, who isn't the best prison guard. Earl wants to keep Randy close, so he gets him appointed to the program, even though the Warden thinks he's an idiot. Frank is eager to be selected for the program, but Earl sends him off to practice being scary.
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Joy is so pregnant, that she gets stuck in the waterbed, and Darnell has to take it apart to free her. After putting aside a lifelong feud with her half sister Liberty, Joy offered to be her surrogate, and now she's beyond ready to pop. When it all began, Joy agreed to abide by Liberty and Ray-Ray's stringent rules, but now her patience is running thin. How's she going to celebrate New Years without G-strings and canned cheese?
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Earl selects two inmates for the program. Huge Scooby loves to cuddle, and scary Bob smashes an egg on his head and eats it. Frank finally pulls his end together, and Earl presents his team to the Warden, who insists that Earl make the show eco-friendly as well. Afterwards, Earl sits Randy down for a talk. Wouldn't Randy prefer to work in the cafeteria? Earl admits that it's harder to look out for Randy inside prison.
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Earl and Randy fight about who's in charge of whom. When Earl insists he's in charge, Randy calls a code pink. Once Earl is naked, Randy sends him to the yard for mandatory volleyball. Randy starts messing with rehearsals and Earl's meals to prove that he's in charge. Joy is also having trouble with uncooperative babies. She wants to induce labor since she's carried the baby two weeks beyond nine months, but Liberty and Ray-Ray refuse.
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Randy tells Earl that he's no longer involved with the program, then takes the guys to their first school. The show is so successful, that Randy decides to stop for ice cream, but can't find a parking space. The Warden will kill him if he gets a ticket, so Randy allows Bob and Scooby to get the ice cream while he hangs with sleeping Frank in the van. When Frank wakes up, he tells Randy to go get the guys.
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Joy tries everything to induce labor, including a plunger. Finally, she asks Darnell to bring her to the hospital. Bob and Scooby can't believe Randy didn't trust them, though they're sad they missed a good opportunity to escape. Frank didn't, and the Warden is furious. He refuses to call the troopers, telling Randy and Earl that they have 46 hours to find Frank and bring him back to prison.

"Our Other COPS is On, Parts 1 and 2" - Season 3

Life as a prison guard is tough, especially when Randy has to turn off the TV. After being pelted with shoes, Randy discovers the TV knob is missing just as Big Joey swallows it. When an episode of "COPS," starring Earl and the gang comes on, Randy runs to get his brother. On the show, cop Stuart's in charge, and it's Camden's first July 4th celebration since 9/11. The cops are on high alert, keeping a lookout for terrorists.
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Chubby Officer Hoyne responds to a call from the Trailer Park, where Joy is attacking Earl with a weed whacker, after destroying a neighboring Sikh's garden. She sent Earl to the fair to make some money, and he wound up spending all their money on a patriotic sandwich press. Randy is thrilled to see "COPS" is back, and Joy apologizes to cameraman Kevin for last time, when she hit him with a brick. Earl calls Joy a ho, so she beats him with one.
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It's free lap dances at Club Chubby for servicemen and women. Drunk Tim has been kicking strippers off the stage so he can perform his rendition of "Oklahoma!" Stuart picks up Kenny, who won a ride-along for a day at a silent charity auction. Kenny loves a man in uniform. At the fair, they head for the Cotton Candy Booth, a hot spot for trouble. Randy's head is encased in pink cotton, blinding him. When he smashes into a pole, the crowd rushes in to eat at his head.
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When a car dealership backed out of donating a truck for the Hands on a Hard Body contest, Patty donated her own body, offering an hour of the full menu to the winner. Josh accuses a little guy of cheating, since he glued himself to Patty's thigh. Stuart asks about the rules, but there aren't any, so he tells the guys they can all use glue. The little guy pulls out the glue, and several guys take their hands off Patty, including Earl, who claims he was only doing it for Joy.
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Hoyne reports to a call from Darnell. His grandma is mad that Darnell's girlfriend is married, so she has locked Joy in the bathroom. She bops Hoyne in the forehead with a hot curling iron, and then takes off running. He tries to give chase, but Grandma was a member of the 1946 Olympic team. Bowman returns to Club Chubby to investigate child endangerment. Catalina is babysitting, dancing with a baby strapped on.
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Randy and Earl steal a lamb from the petting zoo, and try to sell it to IQ-Ball to use for meat at his food tent. Stuart and Kenny recognize the lamb, even though it's covered with a blanket. Earl bullied Kenny back in school, so he offers to cover for Stuart in case of violence. Earl and Randy run for it, Stuart fires his gun, and the lamb lives no more. Earl and Randy escape in a stolen, sparking bumper car, earning props from Bowman, who catches up to them on her electric scooter.
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The Sikh calls the cops to the trailer park. Someone's in his trailer. Earl claims that he had to use the bathroom and Joy locked him out the house, where unbeknownst to him, she's carrying out her affair with Darnell. Back at the fair, Stuart begins a demonstration at the police tent. They have mistakenly received $50,000 of anti-terrorist equipment. Smiley proceeds to Club Chubby to break up a fight between Catalina and another stripper.
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The anti-terrorism equipment has been stolen from the police tent, so Stuart and Hoyne struggle to put together a waterboard to interrogate suspects. Hoping to prevent panic, they announce the robbery, but when Hoyne tells his brother's family to run from the terrorist attack, a stampede results. Meanwhile, Earl and Randy play with the stolen camera helmets with thermo-imaging, pleased that they're about to make a fortune.
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The terrorist attack has made Patty think about what's important; she's going to keep her next baby. The remaining guys desert her, but the little guy can't. Rather than read a huge manual about profiling terrorists, Hoyne stops by the paint store. Anyone whose skin color falls between two paint chips is a suspect. The town fireworks have been stolen too, upsetting Joy. Now what's Earl going to do tonight? She had plans!
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Wearing the camera helmet, Randy hides in a dumpster, preparing to scare the garbage guys and record their facial expressions. A truck arrives to empty the dumpster, and Randy is dumped into the truck. Stuart and Kenny stop by the Crab Shack for a bite, and the food is terrible. Kenny offers to make a nice dinner for Stuart later that night. Darnell is happy that the terrorists are in town, because it will take police attention off him for once.
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Stuart responds to another call from the trailer park, where Randy, Joy and Earl are throwing things at the Sikh's trailer, claiming that he was peeping. Earl describes what happened. When he returned home with the thermal imaging camera, he could see that Joy was in the mood. Unaware that naked Darnell was hiding behind a curtain with a towel around his head, Earl gets busy until he hears a noise. He sees Darnell running, and thinks he's the Sikh. Stuart recognizes the camera helmet, and Randy runs for it.
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Randy runs into naked Darnell, who offers to help him escape. Joy punches Kenny, and Hoyne arrives to take down the Sikh, thinking he's the terrorist. The cops interrogate Earl by sticking a lipstick camera in his butt, and he confesses all. Kenny is taken away in an ambulance, while Joy and Earl are loaded into the squad car. They pass Tim riding in the sparking bumper car. Back at the fair, Stuart gets out of the squad car to take a call from his mother. Randy hops in and drives off.
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Earl reveals to Joy that he told the cops she was going to blow up her favorite shoe store. Now that she's been betrayed, Joy feels free to betray him. Earl and Randy decide to drive to Canada, so cameraman Kevin asks if they'll drop him off. But he knows everything, so they lock him in the trunk back at the trailer park. The cops show up, and Tim's sparking bumper car lights the fireworks. The whole town watches the display with awe.
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The fair gets back underway, and Stuart and Kenny celebrate another day on the beat with corn dogs. Kenny wonders if Stuart would like to celebrate with him, but Stuart claims he's Catholic. Luckily, Earl has agreed not to sue for being tortured. In the trunk of the squad car, Kevin mistakenly lights a flare, and this episode of "COPS" comes to an end. Back in prison, Randy finally wins the respect of the inmates.